Practicing Self Control

      I cannot emphasize the importance of self control enough. For those of you who have it, Good For You!!, I mean it. I certainly don’t have it and oh how much easier life would have been if I had. There is a bar, in Austin, that I is known for cocaine sales and I loved that place! I could walk in any day of the week and there would be at least two people selling cocaine and I couldn’t get enough!!! I pretty much spent most of 2016 getting fucked up in this bar, with a bunch of really awesome people that also frequented the bar for drugs. 

I absolutely adore my drug addicted friends! There is a special place in my heart for them. When I was in rehab there was a Fransician Nun, who worked there. She was a recovering addict, as well, but she had about thirty years of sobriety. She used to always say that “drugs only take the most kind hearted people and turn them into assholes”. I believe she’s right about that.  Every addict has a story and it’s never a very happy one. Maybe I’ll write a book someday about what my life was like from 1993-2015 and you’ll have a better understanding of how I ended up where I did. . 

I became addicted to cocaine in 2016 at the age of 35. I was really getting out of control. I got fired from two jobs that year! I didn’t realize how much the cocaine was affecting my life, because I wasn’t using that much, but I was using enough to keep me up all night and I would often fall asleep at work. Back then I would buy “twenty bags'' of cocaine. A twenty bag is .2 of a gram and it costs twenty dollars. Twenty bags are by far the least economical way to purchase cocaine. I wouldn’t recommend anyone buy that way, but that is the way that most people purchase it. I suppose it is the way people that actually do have some self control use it. The moment you start talking about buying by the gram, or an eighth, or a quarter ounce you should know that you have a serious problem. What I can share with are signs that you should know you are becoming addicted/or already are addicted to drugs or alcohol:

1. If you start drinking and drugging alone.

2. When you prefer drinking and drugging away from your friends, because you don’t want to share. The only way you’re hanging out with anyone is if they’ve got their own stash.

3. You start missing work and not caring about the quality of your work.

4. You start using or drinking at work. That’s a big one!

5. You really know you’ve got a problem when you start pawning your shit just to make it through the day.

6. You start neglecting your family, friends, children and animals.

7. You turn into a complete asshole.

8. You start stealing valuables and money from your friends and family, to pawn for drugs.

9. You feel guilty about none of it. The only thing that matters is getting high.

The Importance of Knowing Who You Are

        It is so important to know who you are. It’s equally important to accept who you are and where you are in life.  Many of us make the mistake of not allowing ourselves to be happy because we feel like we haven’t reached our full potential. So many of us believe that everything is going to fall into place once ____________ happens, and that’s simply not true. You cannot wait for the life that you want to happen to happen to you. We must accept where we are in life at every moment of it! That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t want more for yourself, or that you should give up on your goals. It means that life is happening right now and if you’re sitting around waiting for this fairytale life that may or may not happen, you're missing out on all of the wonderful things that are happening in your life right now! 

Another reason that I believe having an identity is so important is because people who do not know who they are tend to be lost in the world. Without an identity we feel insignificant and alone. I know that when I was getting into drugs, heavily, I knew exactly what was happening. I knew that I was headed down a dark and dangerous path, and that was spiraling out of control; but, I didn’t care, because I knew that if I was a drug addict, I would have an identity. So instead of running away from the problem, I embraced it just because I needed to know that I belonged somewhere. I remember the very first thing I ever said at an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting was that, “I don’t know who I am if I’m not a drug addict.” Drugs were all that I felt I had. 

Becoming an Addict

     I was in my thirties when I became addicted to drugs. Life hadn’t been incredibly kind to me and I was desperate for a purpose. I started to frequent a bar in  Austin in 2013 which was known as a hangout spot for drug users, specifically cocaine. The first few times I went I was careful. I would use cocaine from time to time, but it wasn’t a regular thing. Cocaine wasn’t new to me. I had experimented with cocaine in high school and college and I always enjoyed it. I had never developed too big of a a problem with it in the past and figured I wouldn't start now.

In 2015 I started frequenting the bar on an almost daily basis. At the time I was 34 years old, stuck in a toxic relationship, and was really struggling to find work. I found solace in drugs and began using them more often. By 2017 I was a full blown addict. I went from buying twenty bags, to half grams, to full grams, to eight balls and finally quarter ounces. By the time I decided to get sober I was using a half an ounce a week. For those of you who don’t know much about drugs that’s two grams per day or ten twenty bags per day. My drug habit  was costing me about $880 per week.

I have to admit that in the beginning I loved being a drug addict. It made it easier to deal with my boyfriends abuse, it improved my self esteem (for a while), and it gave me what I wanted most in the world, an identity. For the first couple years I was on top of the world. I started selling and growing drugs to support my habit. I spent most of my time using.  The funny thing about cocaine is that it gives you a false sense of grandiosity, so I was convinced that despite the terrible person I was tthe most important person alive. No matter how bad things got I knew one thing for sure: I was awesome! 

After a few years I had lost everything, including myself. I was using people, stealing, manipulating my family and pawning everything I owned. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to get high. Cocaine stopped being fun and became what I lived for. It was like a god to me and I would do anything to get it. 

    My emotions were numbed and my feelings were gone. I felt no remorse for the things I was doing to get it. It was a terrible time that lasted for years. The saddest thing about addiction is that it takes good people and turns them into assholes. Big ones. In 2019 I finally decided to get sober after destroying my family, hurting almost everyone I knew, and not caring about anyone but myself.