Becoming an Addict

     I was in my thirties when I became addicted to drugs. Life hadn’t been incredibly kind to me and I was desperate for a purpose. I started to frequent a bar in  Austin in 2013 which was known as a hangout spot for drug users, specifically cocaine. The first few times I went I was careful. I would use cocaine from time to time, but it wasn’t a regular thing. Cocaine wasn’t new to me. I had experimented with cocaine in high school and college and I always enjoyed it. I had never developed too big of a a problem with it in the past and figured I wouldn't start now.

In 2015 I started frequenting the bar on an almost daily basis. At the time I was 34 years old, stuck in a toxic relationship, and was really struggling to find work. I found solace in drugs and began using them more often. By 2017 I was a full blown addict. I went from buying twenty bags, to half grams, to full grams, to eight balls and finally quarter ounces. By the time I decided to get sober I was using a half an ounce a week. For those of you who don’t know much about drugs that’s two grams per day or ten twenty bags per day. My drug habit  was costing me about $880 per week.

I have to admit that in the beginning I loved being a drug addict. It made it easier to deal with my boyfriends abuse, it improved my self esteem (for a while), and it gave me what I wanted most in the world, an identity. For the first couple years I was on top of the world. I started selling and growing drugs to support my habit. I spent most of my time using.  The funny thing about cocaine is that it gives you a false sense of grandiosity, so I was convinced that despite the terrible person I was tthe most important person alive. No matter how bad things got I knew one thing for sure: I was awesome! 

After a few years I had lost everything, including myself. I was using people, stealing, manipulating my family and pawning everything I owned. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to get high. Cocaine stopped being fun and became what I lived for. It was like a god to me and I would do anything to get it. 

    My emotions were numbed and my feelings were gone. I felt no remorse for the things I was doing to get it. It was a terrible time that lasted for years. The saddest thing about addiction is that it takes good people and turns them into assholes. Big ones. In 2019 I finally decided to get sober after destroying my family, hurting almost everyone I knew, and not caring about anyone but myself.